Choosing Compassion

Cultivating our capacity for compassion is a life skill that can make a huge difference to our time on earth.  It is a practice that we need to choose to do. It is active, and it often feels energising. It can lighten our emotional load. And can create a feeling of expansiveness, which tends to be experienced as a positive sensation.

Compassion is a practice where we wish the other person, or ourselves, some form of loving kindness (a term used in mindfulness practices, with roots in Buddhism). If this sounds corny to you, you are not alone. So many of us have grown up without a lot of compassion. Compassion from our family when we were growing up. Compassion from teachers when we really needed it. From friends. Partners. And bosses.

But the most impactful absence of compassion is our lack of compassion for our own pain and struggle.

There are lots of different compassion practices – some take a couple of minutes; others take half an hour. With repeated practice, these skills feel less clunky or icky, and more natural, loving and energising. Research has consistently shown that repeated practice over a long period leads to brain changes, and many people have reported that the voice in their head has (without conscious effort in the moment) become a kind and encouraging one. Can you imagine this kind of liberation? 

To my mind, there are three important ways that ADHDers and HSPs can benefit from cultivating their capacity for compassion:

1. As an alternative to (excessive) empathy

One thing that seems to be true of both ADHDers and HSPS is that they tend to be very attuned to the feelings of other people.  While this can be helpful in small doses, it can be exhausting when you are in a situation where you are exposed to lots of people who are struggling (e.g., as a teacher, nurse, or other helping professional) or exposed to one or more people who are suffering in severe or prolonged ways (e.g. having a child, partner or parent who is struggling emotionally, psychologically or physically). 

Empathy is automatic. Most of us don't choose to be empathic. It just happens. But, noticing that we are in ‘empathy mode,’ and making a deliberate choice to shift into ‘compassion mode,’ can make a big difference to our energy levels and our emotional load.

2. As a response to rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)

As you are no doubt aware, ADHDers often struggle with intense feelings (usually, either some form of pain or anger) in response to perceived criticism or rejection.  Being able to respond to yourself in that moment with self-compassion is a very skilful and efficient way of soothing yourself and maybe reducing the duration of your dysregulation.  (But it takes practice when we are calm to get to the point of being able to quickly tap into compassion as needed.)

3. As a response to feelings of shame

Forgotten something? Made a mistake? Arrived somewhere late? These and many more experiences can trigger the painful experience of shame for lots of ADHDers and HSPs in their daily lives. 

Again, being able to respond with self-compassion in the aftermath can reduce both the intensity and duration of your suffering.

If you are interested in learning more about how to cultivate compassion, including self-compassion, there are many resources, including practitioners who are highly trained in this way of working.  If you want to find out more, Kristin Neff is a very good place to start. For more than a decade she has led the way in researching and refining mindful self-compassion practices and offers free resources (including guided audio-based compassion practices) on her website.

If you are interested in fully immersing yourself in an 8-week online group program, there are practitioners, including Openground Mindfulness and Compassion who run frequent courses.

Note: If you are someone who has experienced a lot of trauma, you will need to take this slowly and it may be best to find a practitioner to work with one-on-one

Photo sourced from Unsplash