Grief After Diagnosis

Receiving an ADHD diagnosis, especially in adulthood, often brings on a rollercoaster of emotions. Relief is common—finally, there’s an explanation for the struggles you’ve faced for years! Plus, the psychiatrist has confirmed it – you haven’t imagined it or made it up.

But soon after the relief come other emotions.

Anger is common – 

“Why didn’t someone notice how much I was struggling? It should have been obvious!” 

“Why didn’t anyone step in and help me?!” 

Another emotion that often arrives is grief. Grief after an ADHD diagnosis isn't about mourning a person, but a life that could have been.

It's the ache of realizing how different things might have been if the diagnosis had come earlier. Your behaviours (and the intentions underlying them) that were misunderstood. The pain of fractured relationships. All of that unmet potential.

Many newly diagnosed ADHDers find themselves replaying school years, failed projects or strained friendships and, for many, romantic relationships that didn’t last or maybe didn’t start in the first place, and wondering how much of these were shaped by being misunderstood and unsupported.

 There’s also the grief over self-worth. For years, you may have internalized labels like "lazy," "careless," “space cadet” or "unmotivated." An ADHD diagnosis can help people to start challenging these labels, but healing from the shame and guilt takes time. And some practice.

 If you’re grieving, you’re not alone. In time, and with practice, grief can give way to self-compassion - a powerful force that makes room not just for healing, but for growth.

ADHD comes with significant strengths and capacities but often these are obscured by a lot of pain and struggle. Making time to acknowledge the grief and the pain that contributed to it, and learning to respond with curiosity and self-compassion, can be an important part of the diagnosis-journey.

What works for one person may not be effective for another. There are many ways to skilfully respond to the emotions that arise following a diagnosis, including:

• therapy
• peer support groups
• practicing self-compassion exercises
• regular journaling
• writing your story
• having some vulnerable conversations with a trusted friend
• reading books or listening to podcasts of other ADHDers

You might find you prefer one or two of these, or maybe you will find that you need to try different ones depending on the day. Whatever the case, please know that if you find grief arising, you are completely normal, and it will pass, particularly if you meet your grief with patience and kindness.

Photo sourced from Unsplash