Why Can't My Brain Be Normal?!

So many ADHDers hate their brain. They wish they had someone else’s brain.

 They feel so far beyond frustrated - closer to actual loathing.

Then this can become self-loathing.

It’s easy to understand how this happens. When our brain finds it so difficult to finish a task, even one that was so exciting to begin with.

And now our garage or spare room is filled with the evidence of how many times we failed to finish.

Or our house is so messy that we can’t work out how to make a dent in it.

Or we feel like we’ve let down yet another friend because we couldn’t make ourselves reply to their text, and now we’re convinced we’re not worthy of having friends.

But here is what I work on with my therapy clients. It’s a simple concept but so hard to grapple with, for many people:

We can’t make any progress until we accept our brain for how it is.

And many of my clients think:

“Why on Earth are you asking me to accept something that causes me so much suffering?” (Well, that’s the sanitized version.)

The answer to this is very simple:

Because to do anything else is to argue with reality.

Which is irrational, when you think about it. And it just wastes a lot of your energy.

It creates friction that is unnecessary. And friction just makes a load heavier to push or pull, doesn’t it?

So now, not only are you struggling to manage so many of your daily tasks, but you’re also directing some of your precious energy into hating your brain and wishing you had someone else’s brain.

Acceptance isn't resignation.

It isn't saying that nothing can improve. It's simply recognising where we're starting from.

Once we stop spending our energy fighting reality, we might find we have enough mental space to become interested in how our brain actually works. And with understanding comes greater possibilty to choose our actions.

If you were working with me, we would practice getting curious about your brain instead of being judgemental.

We would have you start to observe it from a slight distance. We would have you start to say things like:

“Well, that’s interesting… I had a simple task to do, and my brain turned it into a very complicated task. I wonder what was happening there?”

And we would get curious about the things your brain does well. Things that perhaps other brains don’t find so easy.

This, too, would become a part of your emerging understanding and acceptance of your brain.

And in time, it would become possible to make some changes to how you choose to do things.

To practice new skills or strategies without self-criticism, judgement or shame:

• find an accountability buddy or a body double
• negotiate a swap of tasks that works better for you
• opt out of a social obligation
• advocate for some time away from the family every day
• be in nature
• move your body
• allow yourself some time to journal or just drift along inside your imagination.

With self-knowledge and self-acceptance.

 Yes, this process takes time, and it requires persistence, but it is something that many of my clients have achieved. And it’s possible for you, too.